We talk a lot about relationships in the church. There are
scores of marriage seminars, retreats, and
conferences. There are video series
and books for newlyweds and engaged couples. Most every church offers marital
counseling and most every pastor preaches somewhat regularly on marriage. And
the same is true for parenting. There are dozens of books on raising children.
There are Sunday school classes, apps, and ministries that focus on the
parenting relationship. All this is good.
But have you ever noticed we seldom study friendship? It is
the most important—least talked about relationship in the church.
Think about your greatest joys in life. They probably center
around your friends–the fun times hanging out, the great conversations, the
laughter, the sharing, the pleasure of “clicking” (not cliquing!) with someone
else or a group of people.
And now think of the most painful times in life. No doubt,
sickness and tragedy are on the list. And yet, oftentimes these difficulties
are made sweeter by the support of friends and family. But when friendship goes
bad–when things get awkward or you feel like you are on the outside looking
in–no amount of health and prosperity can fill the gap. Almost anything bad can
be wonderful with friends, and almost anything good can be terrible without
them.
The worst summer of my life was the summer I spent holed up
in a cabin in the mountains of Colorado working on a national government
textbook. For three months I worked 10 hours a day studying political science
with a classmate and our college professor. We had no electricity (we charged
our laptop batteries in town every day) and no indoor plumbing (we used an
outhouse). But that wasn’t the main problem. I got used to the rustic
lifestyle. The problem was the absence of friends. I was surrounded by amazing
natural beauty, engaged in work that I liked fairly well, and allowed time
every night and every weekend to read, run, or explore. But I was miserable
because I felt all alone.
It’s surprising we don’t talk more about friendship in the
church. Depending on how you define friendship, the Bible may have more to say
about the friend relationship than it does about marriage and parenting.
Further, I bet church “satisfaction” is largely based on two things. If you
find happy churchgoers I wager you’ll find these two items present, and where
church members are unhappy, I can almost guarantee these two things are
missing: quality teaching and quality relationships. No doubt, there are many
other important aspects of church life. But for most folks these are the two
that matter most. People want a church that teaches them well (which includes
sermons, songs, classes, and Bible studies) and a church where they can make
friends.
I don’t know if making friends is harder than ever. In some
ways, with travel and technology, it is easier than it used to be. But there
are still a number of factors that work against genuine friendship.
- We are
extremely mobile, moving from place to place, rarely settling down in one
spot for a long time.
- We are
consumed by family life, pouring almost all our spare time into our
children and what’s left over into our spouse.
- We are
deceived by email and social media, imagining we have hundreds of
spectacular relationships when actually we have lots of well-wishers and
acquaintances and few flesh-and-blood friends.
- We are
entranced by one-way relationships, expending emotional energy as we bond
with our favorite sitcom actor, sports star, or online influencer.
Friendship is wonderful, and we all want it. But friends can
be hard to come by. This is nothing new. A true friend has always been one of
God’s most sought-after gifts. “Many a man proclaims his own steadfast love,
but a faithful man who can find?” (Proverbs
20:6). Thankfully, the book of Proverbs says a lot about friendship. It
won’t help you find friends, at least not directly. But Proverbs will help you
be a better friend. And the best friends usually have the best friends.
In particular, Proverbs invites us to ask three questions
relative to friendship: Are you fake? Are you foul? Or are you faithful? We’ll
look at these three questions. Be a friend and read along.
Question 1: Are You a Fake Friend?
There is one defining characteristic of the phony friend in
Proverbs: he uses people. The fake friend makes friends with people who can
give him things. He establishes relationships solely for personal gain. In
Proverbs this means money.
- “Wealth
brings many new friends, but a poor man is deserted by his friend” (19:4).
- “The
poor is disliked by his neighbor, but the rich has many friends” (14:20).
- “Many
seek the favor of a generous man, and everyone is a friend to a man who
gives gifts. All a poor man’s brothers hate him; how much more do his
friends go far from him! He pursues them with words, but does not have
them” (19:6–7).
It’s hard to tell if Proverbs is making a moral judgment on
those who cozy up to the rich. Certainly, part of the point is simply to show
the privilege of the rich versus the poor. But I think we are meant to
recognize the fickleness of these friends. Faithful friends are hard to find (Prov. 20:6).
Fake friends come in abundance, and they come for your stuff.
Fake friends use people. Money is the example in Proverbs,
but there are other ways to use people. Some people get close to pastors or
politicians or athletes because they want access, power, or popularity. Others
may be so accustomed to soliciting favors for business or school or church
affairs that they can no longer tell when their personal charm is genuine and
when it’s an act. None of us is immune to the dangers of friendship fakery.
It’s possible to plug a book, or speak at a conference, or rave about an
article, or feign chumminess with a Christian mover-and-shaker and all the
while wonder if you are doing this to receive the same treatment.
A few years ago I read a book
about Billy Graham and the presidents. What struck me most was how these
powerful men welcomed Graham into their lives because he seemed like the only
person who didn’t want anything from them. History shows they often wanted
something from Graham, but he gave them the gift of friendship without
manipulation. He was no fake friend.
If I ever get into the business of writing fortune cookies,
this will be one of my first ones: “Beware the friend who passes out
back-scratchers. He does not have your best interest at heart.”
Question 2: Are You a Foul Friend?
Let me suggest three traits.
First, a foul friend is quick to criticize.
In my opinion, there are two kinds of people who have the
hardest time making friends. One is the person who wants to have friends so
badly she can’t understand what it means to be a friend. These people are
socially unaware. They don’t ask questions. They see the relationship as a
one-way street. Everything about them screams “I’m an empty vessel ready for
you to pour your love and affirmation and curiosity into me.”
The other type that has a hard time making friends is the
super-critical person. These people have an opinion on everything and must
verbalize that opinion to everyone (probably online!). More than just offering
their opinion, they rain down a relentless barrage of negativity. “Whoever
belittles his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent”
(Prov.
11:12).
A few weeks ago I was riding in a car with an older
Christian man I’d never met before. I was struck by the bridle he put on his
tongue. He would ask me a question and when he saw that we might not completely
agree, he’d simply say, “I see you’ve thought about that. I don’t need to say
anything more.” He asked good questions and kept his thoughts to himself when
sharing them would have served no constructive purpose. Bad friends share every
thought, however critical, as a means of self-expression. They don’t think
about what their words are doing or whether they are necessary in this
situation.
Consequently, the foul friend gets into conflict that could
have been avoided. “Do not plan evil against your neighbor, who dwells
trustingly beside you. Do not contend with a man for no reason, when he has
done you no harm” (Prov.
3:29–30). It’s all too easy to ruin friendships because we had a bad day.
It’s just as easy to get into a senseless argument because of our own jealousy,
insensitivity, or hypersensitivity. Foul friends are quick to criticize.
Second, a foul friend is annoying.
We’re not talking personality or temperament. Some people
rub us the wrong way. Fine. But other people are just plain rude. Rude,
annoying people aren’t aware of, or don’t care about, social customs and
cultural norms. This may seem like an innocent quirk, but the Bible calls it
sin (1
Cor. 13:5).
Proverbs gives two concrete examples of annoyingness in
action.
- Being
obnoxious. “Whoever blesses his neighbor with a loud voice, rising early
in the morning, will be counted as cursing” (Prov.
27:14). Got it? Don’t be the life of the party when you wake up.
(Kids, this applies to you too.)
- Not
knowing your place. “Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor’s house,
lest he have his fill of you and hate you” (Prov.
25:17). If you’re the sort of friend who comes over unannounced, never
says please or thank you, always expects people to wait on you, and has no
recognition of your role as a guest, then you’re not the sort of friend
people are looking for.
Third, a foul friend can’t be trusted.
This may mean you’re a blatant liar (Prov.
24:28; 25:18). But duplicity can be more subtle. “Do not withhold good from
those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it. Do not say to your
neighbor, ‘Go, and come again, tomorrow I will give’–when you have it with you”
(Prov.
3:27–28). Foul friends don’t keep their end of the bargain. They don’t
return favors. They don’t give back what they borrow. They are slow to help and
quick to look for ways to avoid being put upon. You can’t trust them to keep
their word.
Along the same lines, they are careless with their words.
“Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives
his neighbor and says, ‘I am only joking'" (Prov.
26:18–19). Words hurt after you launch them, no matter what you say your
intention was. So be careful. If you don’t care about the effect of your words,
people won’t trust you. And if you can’t be trusted you won’t be a very good
friend.
Question 3: Are You a Faithful Friend?
Three Characteristics of a Faithful Friend
First, a faithful friend is there in times of trouble.
“Do not forsake your friend and your father’s friend, and do
not go to your brother’s house in the day of a calamity. Better is a neighbor
who is near than a brother who is far away” (Prov. 27:10).
Given how important family is in the Old Testament, it is surprising that
Proverbs would say don’t go to your brother’s house. The thought seems to be,
“Don’t overlook your friends. They will be there for you every bit as much as
your family will.” Contacts are good. Networking can be valuable. Having a
plethora of acquaintances and well-wishers is nice. Racking up friends online
is fine. But real friendship is proven in adversity (Prov. 17:17).
Fake friends go away when you’re in trouble. Faithful
friends get better when times get harder. “A man of many companions may come to
ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Prov. 18:24).
The next time you are in the midst of suffering and ask God, “What possible
reason can there be for this trial?” consider that one thing he may be up to is
making your friendships sweeter and stronger.
Second, a faithful friend knows how to handle conflict.
He doesn’t hold grudges. He doesn’t keep an open file in his
brain marked “ways you’ve hurt me.” Keeping a long, detailed record of wrongs
is like building friendships with a revolver under your coat. It’s no way to
make friends, or keep them. “Be not a witness against your neighbor without
cause, and do not deceive with your lips. Do not say, ‘I will do to him as he
has done to me; I will pay the man back for what he has done’” (Prov.
24:28–29). Faithful friends never seek revenge. They are eager to overlook
faults and quick to forgive. “The soul of the wicked desires evil; his neighbor
finds no mercy in his eyes” (Prov. 21:10).
Part of handling conflict well is being slow to speak of
your friends’ faults to others. “Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he
who repeats a matter separates close friends” (Prov. 17:9).
Good friends speak to someone, not around him. It’s amazing
how many people we will talk to when we have a personal conflict, but we avoid
talking to the person with whom we have the conflict. It’s like driving in a
roundabout and never getting off (“Big Ben…Parliament”). Proverbs is right:
“Argue your case with your neighbor himself, and do not reveal another’s
secret, lest he who hears you brings shame upon you, and your ill repute have
no end” (Prov. 25:9–10).
Third, faithful friends make each other better.
“A man of violence entices his neighbor and leads him in a
way that is not good” (Prov. 16:29). This is not the way of a good friend. We’ve
probably all had those friends that make us feel nobler and purer, and those
friends that make you feel a little dirty and out of sorts. Bad company
corrupts good character (1 Cor.
15:33). Your strongest relationships should be with those who lead you to
Christ, not with those who draw you away. This is especially true when you are
young or when you are outnumbered. Your deepest friendships should be gospel
friendships.
Faithful friends help each other with their words. “Oil and
perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his
earnest counsel” (Prov. 27:9). The writer mentions two precious things in
this proverb, oil and perfume, but neither are as precious as a wise friend. Go
to your friends with your toughest predicaments and darkest secrets. Talk to
them about sex and money and all the things we keep hidden. Get their advice
before buying a house or taking a new job or getting married. The best friends
combine their IQs and get smarter as a result.
We all know the proverb: “Iron sharpens iron, and one man
sharpens another” (Prov. 27:17). It’s a great word picture. Ask yourself: am I
a sponge that never hurts anyone, but never helps much either? Am I a sword
that cuts to the quick but also destroys? Or am I a stone, the kind of friend
upon which others can be sharpened, made better and more mature? Faithful
friends make better stones than sponges or swords.
Jesus Is a Friend
Of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t end by pointing us to
the One to whom all Scripture points. “Greater love has no one than this, that
one lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13).
That means the greatest friend is the one who laid down the most for his
friends. No question who this is.
To be sure, Jesus is more than a friend, but not less. He is
the Divine Friend better than any other. He is never a fake friend, but always
seeks our best. Neither is he a foul friend. He is slow to anger instead of
quick to criticize. He is thoughtful and tender instead of annoying. He’s
always trustworthy and never lets us down. Best of all, Jesus is a faithful
friend. He not only sympathizes and comforts you in trouble, he delivers you
from your greatest trouble, which is sin. Not only does he speak the truth and
handle conflict, he made peace through his blood when we were at enmity with
him. And he doesn’t just make us better, he makes us new. What a friend
we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear. What a privilege to carry
everything to him in prayer.
Kevin DeYoung is the senior pastor at Christ Covenant
Church (PCA) in Matthews, North Carolina and associate professor of systematic
theology at Reformed Theological Seminary.
