Thursday, November 20, 2014

Church Can Be A Funny Place

Church bulletins often contain some of the funniest lines around. For years, we've been a big fan of these malapropisms and want to share some of our favorite chuckles with you:

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy".

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days,

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National Prayer and Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals."

Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The “Over 60s Choir” will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.  Please use the back door.

We want to pray for our unloved saved ones.

Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord.

On a church postcard: I have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I would like a personal visit.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Ralph Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.

It’s Drug Awareness Week: Get involved in drugs before your children do.

The Sunday night men’s Bible study will meet on Saturday at the park, unless it rains. In that case they will meet at their regular Tuesday evening time.

Illiterate? Write to the church office for help.

The class on prophecy has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

(An unfortunate blooper during the pastor’s illness) God is good! Dr. Hargreaves is better!

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

The church office will be closed until opening. It will remain closed after opening. It will reopen Monday.

Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.

On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of a new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will please come forward to get a piece of paper.

There is a sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be baptized on the table in the foyer.

Janet Smith has volunteered to strip and refinish the communion table in the sanctuary.

The concert held in the fellowship hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the pastor’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.

Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She’s used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

(After the church maintenance man left a note with the church secretary that read “van battery dead,” these words were in the bulletin the next Sunday) Pray for the family of Van Battery who died this week.

When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.

Men’s prayer breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted.

(Thanks to Thom Rainer for his many contributions to this list)

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